The problem lies where, you rely on others to value you and not yourself.
Many of the people that I have interviewed tell me that problems arise in relationships when a person settles and when someone stays with someone that they aren’t suited to. But I think the problem runs deeper than that. Often people experience such low self-esteem that they look to others to value themselves.
This doesn’t just apply to relationships, those with low self worth look for validation from others too. They may worry about other's opinions about them, use social media to try and boost their confidence, or make decisions in their lives that they think others may be impressed by. This can directly affect their relationships, as it can lead to to relying on an attachment to someone for attention and valuation of themselves. It creates a bit of a blurred reality of love, it creates a dependency. A person who feels no worth themselves, needs to feel it from their partner. It leads to a need for that partner, even if that partner isn't good for them.
If a partner then leaves a person who is emotionally dependent on them, it can devastate them as they feel that void of validation.
Time and time again, when I worked as a family lawyer, people would ask me, why would someone stay with someone who was abusing them? Well the answer is a lot deeper than it seems, the victims are scared to leave and scared of what will happen, the person who abuses them is the person they rely on for self validation and they are not able to value themselves as they should.
When we value ourselves as women, it can be perceived as being boastful. Having value in you can be seen as vain and so often women resort to being self-derogatory out of feeling of this is how we should be. But if we valued ourselves, and let no one else’s opinion count, then it gives us a clear head to access our relationship, to determine if it was good for us and if there is any emotional dependency.
Practicing self -love and learning to value you doesn’t always come naturally. It’s important to be aware of how you feel about yourself and how others thoughts and actions influence your feelings. Being aware is the first step and leads to being conscious of our thoughts. Being kind to your self and learning to love you first is a slow process, but one we must endure.